-September 10th, 2017-
I knew that this day would come. To be honest, I've tried to imagined about this before but nothing really came to my mind at that time. Simply because, I just couldn't picture myself living in a world without you, even though I tried.
At the time I received a message from mom this afternoon, I lost control and my sanity was gone for a few minutes. I had nobody by my side, I was all alone with my work, so I frantically touched one stuff to another in my room, trying to take a good grip of myself. I was losing direction, I didn't know where to head with my life. Panic, thinking about how I'd continue this journey without you.
I'm not exaggerating. You and mom, are the only reasons why I'm doing all of these. Yes, every single thing in my life, I've always had you as my number one motivation. All of this time, all I ever think is to make you smile, to make you forget about your pain even only for a few seconds. To make you proud. To make you believe that there are still so much blessings in your life, and I've always wanted to be a part of those blessings. Because I was also suffering when you suffered.
Yes, you. You're all the reason. You're the ultimate motivation. I've never really told anyone about this, but throughout this 24 year of super awesome life, I kept on thinking that I had nobody in this world except you and mom. And grandma. You've filled the half in me. And the rest is mom.
And yes it's true, that my life revolves around you. You're my number one childhood hero. My number one role model once I'm entering adulthood. Literally, my life is filled by the thoughts of loving and admiring you. And I bet you never know about this, right? I wish I had the chance to say all of this thing. I wish I just had the courage. But I know, once I really tell you this, I'd just cry a river. So that's why I've always been keeping it for myself. Oops, for the first time I told mom about it today. Tho I know, no need to tell, 'cause she knew that already.
Dear Pae, have I made you proud enough? Even if you might say yes, I won't stop still. Because you know, making you proud is sooo addictive and that's why I kept challenging myself to try harder each and every time. Tried to apply this and that, only to give you a good news or two. Only to make you and mom happy. None of you guys force me to do all of these. I'm the only one who keeps on pushing myself, and I'm more than happy, to voluntarily do this and that. For you both!
Oh God, losing the source of your energy is scary. I'm still figuring out a way to keep me motivated when my number one motivation isn't physically there any longer. Dear Pae, there are still sooo many stories to tell. So many coming victories to celebrate together. So many weird experiences to laugh at together. But now, I got to do all of that with mom only. Oh and maybe grandma sometimes hahaha.
I'm sorry if I'm too greedy. 24 years living as your granddaughter isn't long enough you know. I've said this a thousand time today. You must be so bored hearing it, don't you?
Eyes are tired right at this moment. Face has been all tear-stained since afternoon. Guess I need to rest. I'll write for you again as soon as possible :)
August 6th, 2016
Earlier this year when opening birthday gifts from me!! 😊 I bought him two T-shirts.
Btw, ever since he had stroke, T-shirts and shorts were his comfiest everyday wear, so I got him some cool T-shirts to wear at home ❤️
One of the Tees that I got for him! Ah, how cuteeee! Major love on how the tee just fitted Pae perfectly! 😍